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NEWS FROM THE HILLS
Hocking County Potatoes
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to
soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch
while others do the work. They are called "Speck Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the
way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with
them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie
Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to
actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are
called "Emma Taters".
Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always
prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring
real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "SWEET TATERS".
Mid March 2001
News from the Hills
It has come to my attention that a lot of you friend's and family out there
have been spending too much time watching CNN or the Soaps. Some really
important events have taken place and I have not heard a peep from you about t.
Of course, I am referring to all of the excitement concerning the
upcoming Washboard Festival and Do-Dah Parade, which will be held here in Logan,
Ahia, on June 15-17. n order to enlighten some of you, the Columbus Washboard
Company, established in Klumbus, Ahia 1895, moved down here to Hocking County a
couple of years ago. This is the oldest continuously operating washboard cmpany
in the world. You can take a look at their web site by clicking on
www.columbuswashboard.com There
is good history of the company and you can order a new washboard from their wide
display of all-time favorite models. After they got settled here in Logan
(which is a suburb of where I live in upper Hockington, Ahia) a bunch of us got
together on the Courthouse steps and talked about throwing a party for this new
industrial concern. You
know....... we wanted them to feel welcome and all. Well, it was just like a
brushfire! The idea caught on, and things progressed to where we decided to
block off some of the streets, hire a band, organize a parade and just plain do
things up in fine style. Now we have a professional washboard
band oming in from California, and I understand that they have a group of
groupies that follow them all over the country just like the ones the Grateful
Dead has. Maybe the most exciting thing is that the parade took on a special
character and it was decided that it will be a Do-Dah format. (If you don't
know what that is.....shame on you.) Can't you just imagine how wild and crazy
it will be to witness a hybrid parade made up of Hocking and Do-Dah
characteristics? Anyhow the Washboard Festival is getting outstanding
"National" coverage. Press coverage was in the flight magazine of America West
Airlines in February, the newspaper in Baton Rouge, and here just a couple of
days ago the Mayor of Logan was on the Today Show (that is NBC, for you CNN
addicts) romoting the Festival. You can see that we are really going big time
with this. n a personal level, this particular weekend in June, we had
previously committed to meet with old friends for dinner in Columbus. Some of
them (actually one or two) are concerned that we are going to get all caught up
in this Washboard fever and try to renege on our dinner date. Let me tell
you......that a Hockian always keeps his promises and despite the temptations of
the upcoming gala affair, we will miss most of these festivities and go to the
city to fulfill our commitment. This is something that you learn when you move
around as much as we do.
You acquire a certain savoir-faire when it comes to handling conflict
situations. This also points up how sophisticated one can become when exposing
themselves to different environments and cultures.
Here is what I mean. By living in the big city we learned that the good people
of Dublin plan to leave town each May in order to make room for all of the
people who come to the Memorial Golf Tournament. Many of them pack up and
leave, while renting their houses to crowds of Tiger Wood
worshippers. aving learned that lesson from the Dublinites, we are planning to
vacate our house during the Washboard Festival and we will rent it to some of
the Washboard revelers while we spend the weekend in Columbus sponging off of
city friends. In this way, we keep our promise to our city friends, we make a
tidy profit, and we feel good about ourselves that we have done the right
thing. This is an example of how moving around can be educational and
profitable. We Hockians are looking forward to this Festival with excitement
and great expectations. We just love the National spotlight and we are
committed to moving the "Heart of it All"....... just a little southeast of the
city of Klumbus.
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2001 5:10 PM
Subject: Hocking News Flash
For all of you doubters out there who don't think we operate on a modern plane
here in the Hills, will be surprised to know that the Mayor of Logan, Ahia
appeared this morning on the Today Show (national TV mind you), promoting the
upcoming Washboard Festival right here in the heart of it all.> ( How is that
for a run-on sentence?) It is not often that we get national coverage, but you
can see this is going to be a big deal and it happens on the weekend of our CC
meeting in June. We, here in Upper Hockington may get swept up in all of
excitement and may not be able to make our CC meeting as we are considering
entering the Hocking Washboard Do-Dah parade. ( Doesn't it just excite the
imagination to consider a Hocking Do-Dah?)
More updates later.
See:
www.columbuswashboard.com
Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2001 12:49 PM
Subject: Hey
Hi Carol,
It was so good to hear from you and we will look forward to seeing you. Sandy
probably wouldn't have told me when you are coming to Ahia, mostly because he
likes to keep me in the dark. I have been so busy with all of this business
stuff that I have not been able to pass along stories from the Hills. I guess
that I just need to get organized. I am so pleased that Sandy and Barbara have
and are joining the g/parents group. Barbara is much too young to be a
grandmother, but I think it is highly appropriate for Sandy. I hope that it
will make him a little more mellow. (I am watching closely.)
The new pup....Zoey, has wormed her way into the family circle. She was so
timid at first, but now she is running with the others, but still returns
quickly to get on my lap in an effort to reinforce her early bonding. I just
don't know how we are going to part with her, but it really should be done.
I am attaching an older story, that has nothing to do with dogs, and you may
have seen it before. It is one of my favorites, as I love basketball. If it
is a duplicate, I apologize, but I am filled with numbers and forecasts for the
moment.
Take care and we will look forward to seeing you in April.
TTYL,
Phil
Changing Times
It is interesting to observe the changes that
are taking place in our society. I think the sports scene is a good place to
witness, on a smaller scale, some of the significant shifts in the way our
society functions. I am not a devoted sports fan, but I always enjoyed
basketball, so I think this little story might illustrate what I am trying to
say.
This happened a year or so ago. Bob Jarrett,
was a guard on the Clifton High School basketball team in 1970 and he was a pure
shooter. There was no such thing as a "shooting guard" then, but since he was
only 5’11", he couldn’t play under the basket, so he perfected his outside shot.
He became the most prolific scorer in state high school history. His scoring
title had remained unchallenged for all these years.
Clifton High, now has a new high scoring guard
who has racked up enough baskets to be only one point shy of setting a new all
time scoring record. It is obvious that the record would be broken in the next
home game, and appropriately, school officials have prepared for this event.
They had purchased a trophy and planned a presentation ceremony. They invited
Bob, who is now a little thick around the middle and graying at the temples, to
be on hand to make the presentation in person.
The crowd jammed the gym and the excitement
was at fever pitch, as everyone waited for the special moment when the record
would be broken. The opposing team played tough man-to-man defense and there was
very little scoring by the home team. The crowd was nervous and the tension was
mounting. Then just before the first half ended, our star shook loose and got an
open shot from deep in the right corner. It was a high, arching shot nearly
touching the cross beams in the small gym. As the ball began its downward
descent, the crowd was on its feet and there was a collective intake of breath
that sounded like a gust of wind. The players all stood transfixed, and even the
referee was rooted to the floor. The ball seemed to have eyes.
It dropped cleanly through the net, with that
familiar "swick" sound, when there is nothing but net. The crowd went wild. They
unfurled banners, threw confetti, and roared as one. The game was stopped, and
after five minutes or so, the crowd settled down, the lights were dimmed, and a
spotlight was focused on center court. Bob walked onto the floor and made his
way to the lighted area. He had tears in his eyes, but a smile on his face, as
he cradled the trophy in his arm. He had always known that this day would come
sooner or later.
He stood there; not able to speak the words
that he had so carefully prepared for this special moment. Not knowing what else
to do, he motioned with his free arm, for the new scoring champ to join him at
center court. He was obviously still at loss for words, and he reacted
instinctively, presented the trophy, and put his arms around her, and gently
kissed her. She responded with a hug of her own, and turned to the crowd with
the trophy held in one hand, and her Dad’s shooting hand raised high in the
other.
I think this illustrates how times are
changing.
PLC/1999
COUNTERTOURISM
March, 2001
An important part about living in harmony is
to understand the cultural differences that exist between people and learning to
respect those differences. Hocking County is overrun by visitors from the city
on a regular basis, but they only stay a short while. Since they don’t stay
long, it is hard to get to know them and for the most part that doesn’t bother
us. The city people come down here on the premise of "getting away",
"unwinding", or any of a number of other catchy terms. We don’t mind their
excuses as long as they behave and leave their money behind. Recently our
Tourist Steering Committee has been studying up on sophisticated ways to get
more city people to come here, and more importantly how to get them to leave
more money here. Apparently there are books written about this sort of thing and
there are even consultants who will give a community advice about Tourism if you
are willing to share the money with them. It goes without saying that we
Hockians are not easily parted with our money, so the Committee asked my wife
and I if we would go to Klumbus and report back on how the big city people get
more Tourists and how they collect money from them.
The committee put a pretty tight limit on what
we could spend, but the idea was to go to Klumbus (like they come here) and mix
with the masses and see what we could learn about collecting Tourism dollars.
Well, the first problem we had was finding a
cabin or a B&B to stay in. Those city people build these big tall buildings with
lots of rooms so that large groups of tourists can all stay in the same place
when they get off the Tour bus. We never did see a cabin, but after a lot of
looking we did find a nice 8 room B&B right downtown, in a place they call the
ShortNorth. I looked at the map till I was blue in the face and I couldn’t find
the ShortNorth listed anywhere. (There was no LongSouth either.) Right off, I
noticed that this B&B did not have a hot tub. Now I realize that Hocking County
has more hot tubs per capita than any other place in Ahia, but I was surprised
that these savvy city people didn’t know that you always put a hot tub in a B&B.
(Could this be a cultural difference?)
We had a lot of scouting to do, so we looked
in the paper for a movie to go to. We went to a place called the Lennox 24,
which for some reason was named after a furnace factory. What was really scary
though, is that this was not just a movie theater…….it was 24 movie theaters all
crammed into one great big building on a parking lot that wasn’t big enough.
Going into the movie was like walking into a maze and I was worried that we
would never find our way out, so I dropped popcorn all along the hallways as we
searched for movie #19. It was a pretty good show, and sure enough when it was
over, we got lost trying to find our way out as other people did the same thing
that I did…..dropped popcorn, I mean. So we came out of the big building on the
wrong side and had to walk around the parking lot twice to find our truck.
Coming from the country we were concerned
about safety as we had heard stories about the wicked city.
I had just had the truck painted and I was
concerned that someone might try to steal it or vandalize it since we were in
the Inner City. We were lucky to find one of those "parking garages" where you
can pay to park your truck and it is safe off of the street. This expense
probably wouldn’t be approved by our Committee, so I decided to pay for it
myself. It was only a mile and half from the B&B, so we strolled on back, had
dinner nearby, and turned in for the night.
The next day we went to the Art Gallery, the
State House, the Convention Center which were all very nice and not too
expensive. Actually I am not sure the man that took our money really worked in
the State House.
A fella that I knew in Klumbus had invited us
to a Marty Grass party there in ShortNorth that night, so we had to get ready
for that. I had never been to one of these parties before, and I had my suit
cleaned so that I wouldn’t embarrass him. My tie had a spot on it, and I was
going to buy a new one, but with a little dabbing and rubbing I managed to get
the spot out and didn’t have to buy a new one after all.
When we pulled up at the place, some kid
chewing bubble gum, tried to take the keys for the truck away from me. He said
that he was supposed to park the truck for me, but I was too smart to fall for
that. I had heard about these city slickers and their tricks. I found my own
parking place.
When we got inside it was clear that I
probably didn’t even need a tie. You should have seen how all of these people
were dressed. It was plain to see that they were embarrassed about how they
looked because they all had masks on. Even the men had beads and jewelry on! (No
wonder they wore masks.) Another strange thing was that they were all dressed in
black. Makes you wonder if they were all colorblind. There was a band that
played some music that I had never heard before, and they didn’t have any
fiddles either. They had an auction to raise money, so I took careful notes on
that. The nicest part of this party was the food. It was just a wonderful spread
and everyone really enjoyed the meal. By 10:30 most of these people were dancing
and carrying on like it was supper time. After such a busy two days, we were
tired and it was past our bedtime, so we excused ourselves and went out to see
if the truck was still there. We found it in good shape and headed home. It was
a short visit, but we learned a lot about how to collect money from strangers.
My wife drove and I compiled notes for the report while in route and I will have
to admit that I felt a whole lot better when we passed Sugar Grove and we could
see the Hocking County line just ahead.
February 9, 2001
You are all aware of our continuing dawg saga. We came here with one
dawg and with the help of driveby donors we now have four. Sunday I was walking
the four in the woods across the road. The dawgs were busy chasing a deer and
having canine fun, yapping and barking and running like crazy. They were soon
out of sight. The yapping continued and even increased in intensity. The
noise seemed to be coming from a spot in the hemlock grove.
Now even I, know that one does not "tree" a deer, so I made my way to the
hemlocks to see what was going on. To my surprise I found all of the dawgs
grouped around a tree stump in a state of frenzy. On top of the tree stump was
a little blonde puppy, frozen in fear, and not knowing what to do next. I made
my way to her and picked her up and held her close across my chest. She was
shaking. She hid her head in between my arm and chest, and we made our way
back to the house. his little miss was small and sweet, with big eyes, and
looked just like the star of "The Lady and the Tramp". She had been out all
night and was hungry, so after a cleanup and feeding she settled right in.
Not wanting five dawgs, we immediately started planning our campaign to find a
home for her. This required tearing up our plans to find a home for the
previous refugee, who arrived over a year ago. Little miss is still here and
shows all the familiar signs of making this her home.
Yesterday I was working on putting in a new bathroom floor downstairs, and all
of the dawgs went into a tizzy.....running through the house, barking, and going
berserk. I looked out of the window and there were two......count 'em.......TWO
very dirty, bedraggled, full grown St. Bernard's in the front yard. My
immediate impulse was to take our dawgs to the basement and hide. I was
absolutely sure the news was out among the indigent pets of Hocking County that
this is a pet halfway house. stood my ground and did not go outside and
eventually the St. Bernard's moved on in search of food and comfort. I felt
sorry for them, but a person has to draw a line somewhere.
........
I will recap for everyone so that you
can make plans to attend. The Columbus Washboard Company is the oldest
washboard factory still operating in the US ( The reasons for this will be
discussed at another time.) They used to be just south of 5th Avenue down
around Cord Camera, so in a sense they were neighbors of UA folks. In a
modernization move Columbus Washboard moved operations to Logan, Ahia where they
could keep up with the latest technologies in wood working, metal bending, and
hand warshing clothes.
Business has boomed and they are the doing the corporate
thing of sponsoring major events.........sort of like Nike, Budweiser, and
Coke. This brought about the International Washboard Festival which will be
held in downtown Logan, on June 15 through the 17th. There will be a washboard
band here from California, two parades, a Queen, and other activities. There
will also be a quilt show, car show, and historic tours. You can check all of
this out on the warshboard web site:
www.columbuswashboard.com and be sure to click on the warshboard festival
utton to get to the real scoop.
Phil
Just beginning 2001
NEWS FROM THE HILLS
Proactive Tourism
Well, the gang at the Hocking County Tourism Association had a meeting, which
they do every once in a while. They were concerned that with all of the
attention on the Presidential election and then the Christmas
Holidays that city folks had forgotten about us. This happens pretty much every
year, but this year seemed worse. Everyone stayed at home watching CNN, and if
they did get out, they went to the mall to spend their money instead
of coming down here and leaving it with us. We had a Task Force that was
assigned to survey the situation and report back with recommendations on how to
increase tourist traffic during the winter months. The major conclusion was that
with our early blast of cold weather the Hocking Hills appeared to be closed.
The few tourists that were observed, were presumed to be "scouts" from Klumbus
who were cruising the area to report back to TV newspeople who would then in
turn broadcast what was going on. This type of negative news can be deadly to a
tourist Mecca. The Task Force immediately made some tactical decisions to create
some semblance of activity so that the reports
wouldn't be all negative. It is my understanding that they:1.
1. Gathered spare automobiles and took them to be parked at the
Old Man's Cave parking lot, which looks dreadfully bare when no one is there.
This move was to create the illusion of activity in the Park, and serve as
decoys for passing tourists. The Task Force is now soliciting volunteers to walk
in the Park to further enhance the illusion. In the spirit of all out effort,
John Wright (who has a broken toe) agreed to fire up one of the grills there
along Rt 374 and roast weenies, and keep hot coffee available for volunteers and
legitimate tourists alike.
2. Borrowed 5 full size, fully clothed, inflatable dolls and
placed them in canoes, in the moving water near the bridge where the tourists
could easily see them and be impressed by this robust display of outdoor
activity.
The canoes were tethered securely, but driving by, you couldn't hardly tell.)
3. Placed posters of
fictitious winter events all over town and in the parks, to make it appear that
there was a lot going on around here.
4. Wrote articles for
the newspaper about the number of people from Florida who came up to go to the
Winter Hike at Old Man's Cave.
5. Announced the 17th
annual Winter Scramble out at the golf course.
6. Blocked all
traffic on Rt. 33 and routed the cars through the streets of downtown Logan
which was teeming with people (who were actually volunteers assigned to street
duty).
7. Opened the beach
at Lake Logan and put out umbrella's and a lifeguard.
8. Scheduled a
Founder's Day parade for each Tuesday and Thursday for the rest of the month,
complete with marching band (who just happen to practice on those days anyhow).
9. Borrowed 26 stuffed exotic birds from ONDR, to be placed in strategic
locations throughout the Park to inspire the Bird Watchers who are great at
reading the word about unusual sightings.
10. Borrowed 37 tents from the National Guard to be erected in the
camping area at Old Man's Cave.
The Task Force did all of this without spending any money and I think
that they are to be congratulated on quick thinking and resourceful action. We
will anxiously await the longer range plans that grow out of this outstanding
effort. We all owe a pat on the back and special thanks to Art, Heinie, Betty,
Jack, and Debra.
Haircut in the Hills
Getting a haircut in Rockbridge is an interesting experience. Jimbo's barber
shop is not like your conventional barber shop or hair salon. It is more like a
private club. First of all, you have to be a resident of Hocking County. There
is a waiting list for prospective members, and you are given a number. When your
number comes up, you are voted on, and it is a real social setback if you are
blackballed. If you are lucky enough to get voted in, you are assigned a day for
your monthly haircut. The shop is small, so members are scheduled by the day and
hour, so as not to exceed
thefire code limit for the building, which is 15 persons. If you forget and miss
your day, it is just too bad.....you have to wait till the next month. There is
no charge for the haircut, although tipping is allowed.. You are charged an
annual membership fee. You are assigned a particular waiting chair and you are
expected to be there on time. (Sort of like a tee time.) It is required that you
sit there for an hour before being called upon to approach the barber's chair.
During this time you are expected to tell from the one to three stories, stay
awake, and applaud all stories preceding and succeeding your own. Your story
does not necessarily have to be true, but it should contain elements of
suspense, humor, local history, gossip, or big fish you have caught. The most
popular stories contain all of the above. There is a seasonal pattern to the
subject matter of the stories. For example, in the spring, morel mushroom
hunting is a favorite. In the fall, it seems to center more around the big buck
deer that got away, or the best place to find turkeys. Anyway, you get the idea.
Jimbo's is possibly the only barber shop in the world that has no reading
material of any sort. You can see why magazines would be a serious distraction
to the primary mission of the club (shop). The dress code has been relaxed in
recent years and even members with something other than a plaid shirt are
admitted. Boots and a shirt of some sort are required. In the past bib overalls
were the only pants allowed, but
the rules have been relaxed and you will see regular blue denim pants too. One
adventuresome new member even tried to get in with Khaki's, but he didn't make
it. There are two choices of haircut: 1. An Army boot camp style buzz job, or 2.
A more conventional side buzz with the top clipped about two inches in length
and combed back with a liberal sprinkling of Vitalis or Wildroot Cream Oil (your
choice). There are no shaves offered, since Jimbo nearly
cut off Earl Krebs ear while laughing at a story in 1986. There is a tape
recorder and all stories are recorded and copyrighted by Jimbo, who plans to
write a book in the hope that the royalties will see him through his retirement
years. (Jimbo is 78 now, so I don't know when he plans to write the book, or
retire for that matter.) This unique haircut experience has many things to
recommend it. You know exactly what you are going to get and when. You are
entertained and educated while there. It is a far more interesting system than
taking a number or calling for an appointment.
PLC/1999
December 14, 2000
The Unknown Volunteer
I am relatively new to the Hocking Hills as a permanent resident. My wife and I
retired here with the agreement that I would not hang around the house all
day.... every day. In nice weather, I take long hikes in the woods, go fishing,
and occasionally sit on the courthouse steps and whittle.
In the winter months it is harder to find things to do. I felt fortunate when I
found the Hocking County Welcome Center. It is a nice, warm, cheery place. They
always have hot coffee...... sometimes cookies...... and the people are very
friendly. There are different people there everyday, which keeps me from being
bored.
There is one lady who
is there a lot, and her name is Mrs. Jackson. She is very nice and she finds
things for me to do. She lets me put labels on the Visitors Guides that need to
be mailed out. Sometimes she asks me to change a light bulb, or sweep the floor.
This is good, because it makes me feel that I am part of something and I am
being productive. (The people down at the courthouse never ask me to do
anything.) The only thing that bothers me is that she keeps trying tosign me up
for a regular time every week....... sort of like a work schedule. I don't want
to do that because it would make being there like a real job.
So, here is my plan.
By checking the schedule, I will start going in whenever Mrs. Jackson is not
there. She is the only one that knows me. Most of the people who volunteer at
the Welcome Center have little badges with their name on it. I don't have one,
so I will write a name on a blank mailing label and stick it on my shirt. I will
use different names so all of the volunteers that come and go at the Welcome
Center won't be able to figure out who I am. Soon some of them will know some of
my names, and some of them will know my face.
If I do this right, I
don't think anyone will know both my name and my face (except Mrs. Jackson).
This way, I may be able to hang around the Welcome Center whenever I want to and
then it won't seem like a job or anything. If my plan works, I will try it again
next year, but I think that I will wait till after the October rush. The Welcome
Center is much too busy in the Autumn to be considered a peaceful place
Walmart
It was
so exciting when the news broke downtown, about the new Walmart super store that
is going to be built out near St. Rt. 33. All the local merchants are quaking at
the thought. It would appear that new roads will have to be built into Vinton,
Perry, and Ross counties as the existing roads just won't be adequate to handle
the traffic when all of those people come to town. Walmart will make Logan the
retail hub in this part of the state. I thought that I would look into the
opportunity for a new career with Walmart. On TV you see the old geezers that
meet customers at the front door, smile, and hug people. I keep thinking, "I
could do that!" It would be an entirely new avenue for me. After all, I never
had a job where I had to smile a lot and I always like to try something new. You
wouldn't have to talk on the phone with this job either. (I always hated talking
on the phone.) I was getting pretty excited about this job, so I wrote to
Walmart and sent my resume, which contained about 40% truth, along with some
interesting lies.
About a week or ten days went by, and Mildred down at the PO called me and said
that I had a big envelope from Walmart, and maybe I would like to come down and
pick it up, as Suzie (our regular carrier) was off sick. Well,
the envelope had a nice letter thanking me for sending such an interesting
resume, and a bunch of forms to fill out, along with an employee manual and
training guide. I laid the forms aside, and went right to the training guide. I
found the job titled "Greeter" and read on with great interest. Now you know I
am not after big money, I am just looking for a satisfying occupation that will
allow me to grow as an individual and be all that I can be. As I read through
the guide, I was shocked at how rigid and inflexible the requirements for this
job really are.
First, you have to wear a uniform. This is something that I swore I would never
do on the day I was discharged from the Army. Secondly, you have to attend
classes on how to greet the public, change diapers, and defend yourself. Voice
lessons are required, and you must learn the "Greeters" script which is where
you learn all of the corporately approved greetings and responses. There are a
slew of inane phrases, sayings, and attempts at humor and I don't see how all of
those old codgers could remember all of that stuff.
I was becoming less enchanted with the whole thing, but I read on. I think it
was when I got to the part about "hugging" that I decided this was not a career
for me. From what I had seen on TV commercials, I assumed that the
Greeter could hug whomever he wanted. To me, that would offset some of the other
things that I didn't like about the job. As it turns out you can only hug every
4th woman that comes through the door (whatever she looks like),
and you can never hug someone of the same gender unless you are related to him.
Now I know that Walmart is a good company, but I had no idea that the job
requirements for something as innocuous as a "Greeter" could be
corporatized to such an extent. So this just proved to be one more new career
that didn't suit me.
It will
be interesting to see how they fill this position, as it certainly runs counter
to the Hockian way of doing things. My guess is that they will hire some of our
retired colonists from Klumbus, who are used to marching
to the corporate drum, and would consider this regimen a challenge. All that
aside, as long as Walmart has low prices every day, we Hockians will be
satisfied.
PLC
News from the Hills
@ quarter past November, 2000
This just in yesterday from our Warshington bureau.
Great Britain has served a
"Notice of Revocation of Independence"
to President Clinton.
The following are highlights of the "Notice",
"To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your inability to
elect a President or otherwise govern yourselves in a civilized way, we are
hereby revoking your independence. Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealth's, and territories. (Except
West Virginia, which she does not fancy.) Your interim Prime Minister will be
the Right Honorable Tony Blair, will appoint a Minister for the United States as
soon as one can be found that can is fluent in the American language. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded and a poll will be taken to see if anyone
notices.
To assist in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following items will
be put into immediate effect.
1. All US citizens must look up the word "revocation" in the dictionary.
Immediately following that exercise all citizens will then look up the proper
pronunciation of "aluminum" and practice the proper pronunciation until everyone
can say it correctly. An additional list will be provided to bring the American
vocabulary up to acceptable levels. Further, all citizens will learn to speak
without filler phrases such as "you know" interspersed throughout their speech.
(Look up "interspersed").
2. Microsoft has been wrong in using the term "US English". There is no such
thing.
3. Hollywood will be required to cast a minimum of 50% of the British actors,
as good guys.
4. All US citizens will relearn the correct national anthem, "God Save the
Queen". We know that you know the tune, but you must use the correct words.
5. Our polls indicate that only 2.3% of Americans realize that there is a world
outside the borders of the US. If one takes a world view, then "American
Football" must be banned, as no other country plays that game.A possible
exception is Canada, and there it is only a corrupted version, probably due to
it's proximity to the US. We will address this issue with
both the US and Canada.)
6. Given time, Americans will be taught to play true football, which is called
Rugby and it does not allow the players to stop every 30 seconds to rest and
discuss plans for maneuvering the ball, while wearing kevlar body armor like a
bunch of pansies.
7. It will be against the law to serve cold beer.
8. July 4th will no longer be a holiday. November 7 will become a recognized as
the official "Dependence Day".
9. All American cars will be scrapped and replaced with proper automobiles that
have the steering wheel on the correct side. All roads and highways will be
remarked. All race tracks will immediately operate in a clockwise rotation.
10. All American police personnel will be required to turn in their guns, and at
that time will be issued a proper hat and a brass whistle.
There were more items, but time was running short and our reporter could only
pass along this additional bit of information. A reliable source reports that
the British are coming and they are bringing the new tax tables for next year.
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared..
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in
your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
I am alone
I am alone. My better half is in Zanesville visiting her mother. I am due to
open the Hocking Welcome Center at 9 AM, as it is the peak touristseason here
and there will be lots of folks wanting information. I rise early, shower and
shave, and decide to take the dawgs for an early walk, as they will be penned up
until noon. It takes about 15 minutes for me to get to the center, so I think
walkin' the dawgs should commence about 8 AM.
The five of us enter the State Park across the
road as usual and follow our special trail up through the forest. About a half
mile from the house, Sadie spots a ground squirrel and it immediately takes
refuge in a hollow log. All the dawgs converge on the log and attack it from all
sides. I allow about 5 minutes of this frenzied activity and then call to them,
as we are on a schedule this morning. No response, except for Bob, who tires of
strenuous exercise and is easily bored with typical canine pursuits. I can see
that my schedule is in jeopardy.
Being resourceful, I decide to run back to the
house and get leashes. Having done that, and returning to site of the hunt
completely out of breath, I hook a leash on each of the three excited dawgs. Bob
stands idly by, observing all of this. I then proceed to try to lead the three
animals through the underbrush, all the while they are looking back at the log
and straining at their tethers. Just consider trying to walk three dawgs through
a forest. You cannot imagine how difficult that can be. They wrap around bushes,
trees, and other obstacles, and all the while you are slipping, tripping, and
getting slapped in the face by branches and vines. Progress is slow. Finally we
make it to the road and across to the house.
It is now 8:35AM and I am sweating, covered with burrs and
scratches, and there is mud on my clean jeans. No matter, the mission is to stay
on schedule. I penned up the dawgs, jumped in the car, and got to the Tourist
Center just in time. Opened the door, turned on the lights, and headed for the
restroom to "freshen" up a bit, and we were ready for business. I was hoping
that this was not an indication of how my day was going to go, and as it turned
out it wasn't a bad day at all. Later, I looked back on the morning walk and
decided that it should have been video taped and entered in that "Funniest Home
Video" show. It truly must have been a sight.
This just in.......yesterday.
Leland Connor, local historian and trail guide reported sighting a bear
down on Big Pine Road, near Conkles Hollow.
Leland was in a quandry about whether or not to report this to the
wildlife folks or the newspaper. It reminds me of the movie Jaws II, when the
Sheriff was in a panic about the hark around the beach, and the Mayor wanted to
stifle the whole thing till after the big tourist weekend. So here we are in
the midst of our "high" season when all the city gawkers come down to look at
the trees shedding, and Leland spots a bear for the first time in his life. So
it may very well be that this is the only place that you will hear about this,
as the Mayor, Chamber of Commerce, and the County Commissioners haveall left
town.
This might even be worse than Boyer's buffalo getting out. Buffalo don't eat
people.
BLENDING
News from the Hills
October 2, 2000
When you move around a lot, a person needs to try to "blend in" to the new
environment. Most often, folks move between communities that are reasonably
similar and the challenge of "blending in" is not such a big strain. When one
makes a significant change, like moving from a big city to the hills of
Appalachia, "blending" takes on a whole new meaning. One has to be mentally
prepared for it, and a certain amount of patience and aplomb are critical. It
is even more difficult for a shy person, like me, to pull off a smooth "blend"..
There is no printed guide for blending, and so it was essential to keep
eyes and ears open to pick up the subtle signals of what is important to Hocking
County natives. No one is gong to correct you. No one is even going to mention
your shortcomings. If you can't blend, you are simply shunned.
I began with "safe" topics, like weather, farm prices, milk subsidies, and such.
Along the way I learned never to ask about religion, politics, or the cost of
a man's pickup truck. One of the best ways to blend in here is to not be
controversial, or nosey, or assertive. I felt that I was making good progress,
but it truly did seem as though something was lacking. It was only when I
overheard a conversation at the hardware store about a guy who moved down here
from Klumbus and never bought a pickup truck, that I realized what was
preventing us from being totally accepted.
Being a shy guy, but nonetheless a sensitive guy and therefore not one who would
want to be shunned, I immediately set out to rectify the situation. I began to
look for an older pickup truck, as I didn't want to be labeled a show off in
sporting a new one. It was here that I discovered something else. Hockians are
rooted in the past. They like history. They venerate older things. This is
especially true of pickup trucks. Even when their trucks are completely worn
out they never send them to the junk yard. They mount them on pedestals right
in their front yard. Local love and veneration of pickup trucks turned out to be
my most important blending discovery.
Not to be stymied by the absence of a good ol' truck here in the county, I
simply slipped over to Ross County where there seems to be a good supply and
very little veneration, and made a deal on one there. I am now the proud owner
of a very red, 1976 Ford F-100, with twin pipes and knobby tires.
Our lives changed almost immediately. We have had several calls from neighbors,
congratulating us on our "new" truck. A guy spoke to me at the gas station, and
asked if I had power steering. A very attractive woman in an SUV winked at me
in the Kroger parking lot and I noticed because I was sitting as high as she
was. We were invited to a tractor pull. We were picked to carry the boys
soccer team in the Gibisonville Festival Parade.
Yes, it is true. We have blended.
Buffalo
May of the year 2000
It was a beautiful Spring day in the Hills, with all the dogwood in bloom,> the
sun shining, and a gentle west wind blowing. I was reclining on the > front
porch swing with my favorite tome, "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare",
when Pam Boyer wheels into the driveway with the dreaded news......."The buffalo
got out!". I quickly jumped up and rang the large bronze bell that serves to
alert the neighborhood of an emergency. You see, we have the bell since we live
in the center of Upper Hockington, so all the neighbors can hear the alarm. I
know that some of our city readers wonde at the use of the term "neighborhood"
since we live in the Hills. Well, living in the country isn't that much
different than living in the city......it is just that the houses are a little
further apart.
While waiting for the posse to form, Pam informed me that the old bull, who
stands about 6 foot 2 inches at the shoulder and weighs over 2000 pounds,
decided to take a walk. When he does this, he simply lowers his head and walks
through the fence, sometimes dragging a fence post or two for some little
distance. At any rate, he took a walk and the other three followed after him,
as they always do. They usually don't do much harm, but they do like to get
into Mrs. Goss's garden, and they sometimes go over to Bob Jones' pond and roll
around a bit in the mud. The biggest concern is that when they get on our
narrow township road they are not courteous to automobiles, and often someone
ends up in a ditch after cresting a hill and confronting four large,
unfamiliar beasts on the other side. We are sensitive about this as it does
have an adverse effect on Tourism, which is our No.1 industry here.
In twenty minutes or so, we had a posse of 7 men, 2 women, and a boy about 11
years old. We could only find two horses on short notice, so we organized a
pedestrian posse, and sent the two mounted guys out around the State Park to
come in from the west side. We usually have a burro, which the buffalo will
follow, but he was
gainfully employed as a sheeptender over on the Russell place. Without the help
of the burro, we knew that we were in for a long day. By custom, Pete Stump
was in charge of the posse, as he has the longest family history in the area.
We went to the break in the fence and followed the excrement of the buffalo
from there. They launched an erratic course, and we felt that we were close
behind, even though we had not actually seen them. Buffalo, being prairie
animals easily get lost in the forest, Nonetheless, the "chips" that they left
behind were a sure way of tracking them. By evening, we were all tired, so we
sent Rob Stump off to Logan to get us all some food at McDonald's. It was
getting chilly, so someone suggested building a far (fire), until Rob got back.
Some of the younger guys gathered up buffalo chips ( like the Indians ) in order
to build a far (fire).
This might have been a good idea out on the prairie, where old, dried
chips were plentiful, but here in the Hocking, the only chips available were
very fresh. The result was that no far (fire) could be lit, the smell was
awful, and there was just smoke and smell.. Out of this experience it is clar
that the expressions, "Let the chips fall where they may." and "When the
chps are down." were not derived from poker playing at all, but were indeed
originated by buffalo hunters. Rob returned with coffee and food, and on the
way back, he spotted the
buffalo over on the Meyer's place munching on grass in the nearest thing that
we have to a prairie. We went over to Russel's and borrowed the burro, as the
sheep were in the barn for the night. We took the burro to Meyer's pasture and
he successfully led the buffalo home without incident. After they were safely
locked in the barn, we then had to go out to find the two guys on horseback who
apparently were lost, as we had not seen them. After much tramping around and
yelling, we located them and all of the posse was accounted for.
So it was another exciting day in the Hills and as the Bard would say,
"All's well that ends well".
PLC
Subject: Hocking Colonists
Have you seen "Out of
Africa"? Sure you have. I have seen it 8 times. I am always intrigued by the way
the Europeans, that colonized the various regions of Africa, always brought
along their own culture, social traditions, and mores. One would wonder why they
did this? Not only did they drag along all of this excess baggage, they also
tried to make the natives change their ways too. They had no respect for native
traditions, and callously assumed that they had all the answers.....or at least
all of the "civilized" answers. A noteworthy example is the way the Europeans
dressed for dinner, even if they were out in the middle of the Kalahari and the
temperature was 105 degrees. It just never made sense to me.
Hocking colonists from Columbus are a bit like that.
They come down here into these beautiful, wooded hills and set up a social
structure that isn't much different from the way they lived in the city. Instead
of adapting to the life style of the natives, they spend in inordinate amount of
time trying to convert them. Failing in that, they go through an elaborate
charade, trying to convince themselves that they are doing the "right" thing.
They congregate in segregated groups under the guise of "Garden", "Art", or
"Nature" clubs. They lobby for better roads to protect the fragile
undercarriages of their slick city sedans. Then, they have the nerve to borrow
pickup trucks from their native neighbors when they need to haul
something. They have bulldozers flatten the hills (which
they claim to ve), and in the process destroy sacred mushroom patches. They chop
down trees and plant grass seed to make huge lawns that they must then mow and
then gripe about. They demand more golf courses, which further depletes the
forest. They kill snakes, which upsets the balance of nature, so when mice
invade their homes, they spread poison. They feed deer, and then get upset when
the uncouth deer eat their flowers and beans. They order theiroutdoor clothes
from Eddie Bauer and Land's End, instead of shopping at the local stores. Just
like "Out of Africa", these colonists make little effort to
fit in. They seem committed to
changing the Hills to their own model.
It is altogether a volatile situation.
I wonder how much longer the natives will be willing to watch this invasion of
foreigners and tolerate their crude city ways? There is a delicate balance here,
and only time will tell whether the colonists will be driven out, for surely the
two groups willnot be able to coexist. So far there have been no hostilities,
but there have been signs of unrest among the natives. There is a parallel here
that issimilar to the "pioneer" days when the Native American Indians saw the
influx of settlers threatening their way of life. The Indians could seethe
stream of settlers was virtually limitless and they were forced to either get
out of the way or fight. We all know how that turned out. It is clear that there
are countless city types in Clumbus who are poised to invade the Hocking just as
soon as there are paved roads, sufficient golf courses, and convenient coffee
shops. I fear that history may repeat tself.
I hope that I am wrong.
Contact the author, Phil Cartmille,
at
pcartmille@ohiohills.com
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